Daniel’s Diary (027)

Diary Entry 027

Sometime at the end of last year, I came to the realization that I’m a largely unforgiving person. At least to an extent, in some particular situations, purely because of how these situations made me feel.

I’ve often heard how forgiveness is for you and not the person who wronged you. True. I’ve also heard how unforgiveness does more damage to you than the person who wronged you. Also true. Two cliches, and the thing with cliches is that they’re usually never wrong.

How did I come to this realization? Easy. Someone did something to me that hurt very much. Largely, I’m forgetful enough to the point where menial things don’t really get to me, hence my laid back nature. However, I’m alert enough to know when something has crossed a boundary I didn’t even know I had set. This was the case.

There’s a couple of things I find interestingly hard to forgive, the major one being a play on my intelligence. I realize that most of the time I’m unable to offer forgiveness, it’s because something was done to me which in turn made me feel stupid. I don’t like feeling stupid, because I know I’m not stupid.

This was true with the friend I’d borrowed money, who promised to pay back but in turn never did. This was true with the girl who cheated and proceeded to hide it for months until I finally found out. This was also true with the person who was using me for emotional support because her partner was synonymous to useless. Actually, I was stupid in that last part, I’ll accept it. I reckon I’m mostly unable to forgive that last scenario because it made me come to terms with the fact that I was actually stupid, as opposed to acting with sense I thought I had. There’s a different type of annoyance that comes into play when you, as a person, are confronted with the folly of your own humanity. However, we will get into this some other time, just not today.

The thing is, people who wrong you will always come back to apologize for the action, which I guess is understandable. However, they (and sometimes, I) fail to understand that most times, it’s not about the action. In fact, it’s the principle. And the fact that people never seem to realize that it’s the principle, is something I think is unfair.

The friend I borrowed money. The fact that he didn’t pay back isn’t the issue. It’s money, and I can always make it back. The issue is the principle. The principle of the fact that he is apparently untrustworthy. The principle of the fact that he lacks integrity with money. The principle of the fact that apparently, our friendship was nothing to him, because it was so easy for him to ask for money, and simultaneously easy for him to ghost me. So, the principle.

The girl who cheated. The fact that she cheated is obviously abhorrent. That’s decadent behavior. The principle however, that she didn’t respect me or our relationship enough to be loyal. The principle that she didn’t trust or respect me enough to know better than to try to hide it. Secrets are like smoke…they will always find a way to seep out, however long it takes, and I guess the fact that she hid it and led me on, was in itself, another form of disrespect that made me feel stupid. So, the principle.

The girl who used me for emotional support. Actually, I’ll save this one.

Mind you, I hate the words “I’m sorry”, because I don’t think it fixes much, if it even does anything at all.

I was talking to my friend Naomi about this, and she brought light to the fact that a knowledge of boundaries, and crossing of said boundaries is in fact also a principle that has been disrespected. I agree.

I realize that we’re all human beings, and as such, human beings are unfortunately confined to their own mortality and the folly that comes with it. I however feel like I extend too much grace to people, hence their abilities to pull off ridiculous stunts like these. Will I tone down the grace though? As to that, I have no idea.

See, the thing is, writing this was genuinely so therapeutic, and I realize that I’ve already forgiven these people, hard as it is or may have been to forget. I’m probably not as unforgiving as I thought. Maybe forgetting is impossible, but it doesn’t have to lead my forgiveness process. After all, there’s people I’ve also wronged, who find it hard to forgive me. That much is true, and that much is why the world rotates as opposed to it being flat.