Daniel’s Diary (029)

Diary entry 029

I don’t know how to start, so let me begin by saying this;

According to Google, nonchalance can be defined as “feeling or appearing casually calm and relaxed; not displaying anxiety, interest, or enthusiasm.”

My cousin said I’ve become nonchalant, and honestly, I didn’t know how to feel about that, because really, I don’t think anything has changed, other than the fact that I’ve always felt like showing a certain level of emotion and enthusiasm was largely performative, and this is simply because I genuinely don’t care enough about a lot of things to actually want to react, especially since sometimes, I just don’t even know how to react.

Now, I’m not one to take one person’s perspective and run with it, and so I did some sort of…”a survey” if you will, and truly, my friends, or most of them at least, agree that I’m nonchalant.

But how do I explain to people who love to express themselves in every situation, little or big, that this is how I would rather express myself, without feeling like I need to show a certain level of enthusiasm or a level of emotion I ordinarily wouldn’t? Because, really, I’m actually very happy. Insanely so. The concept of having to prove it though…I don’t know. There seems to be pressure to show something other than my apparent stoicism and I don’t know how to feel about that other than choked up.

And frankly speaking, I think I’m just exhausted.

I’m in a funk where I genuinely don’t want to have to talk to anyone, or socialize. It’s not depression, it’s not anything deep. I’m not offended by anyone or anything. I’m just…tired. And likely overstimulated. I just want to spend a week in my room with the lights off, my phone on airplane mode, lying in my bed with my iPad, watching Netflix and alternating between that and YouTube beats. But that’s not possible.

To be real, I think I’ve reached a state where the combination of overconsumption (from social media and people) and constantly catering to the emotional needs of people I care about has left me completely and utterly depleted.

I initially didn’t even know what to write, hence why there was no article last week, and that’s because I’ve been trying to fast forward my processes, as opposed to calming down and giving myself time to be realigned. I don’t even know if this article is coherent, but it’s how I feel right now, and so I’m just putting pen to paper.

Trust me though, I’m good. Maybe I’m nonchalant, and maybe I’m not. Regardless of your conclusion, I feel somewhat liberated, and that’s enough for me.