Daniel’s Diary (034)

This should’ve been out yesterday, but it’s better late than never, so-

Diary entry 034

I went on a walk, and came to various conclusions.

Suddenly, it’s the July of 2022 again. That is to say, I’m in a state of being where it’s easier to go ghost than to open up, because how can I speak when i myself am confused?

Unlike 2022, I’m not heartbroken. Thank you Jesus. However, I do feel like I need sometime away from interaction…simply because I’m tired of feeling like I’m performing. I feel like I’m always performing.

So, back to this. I took a walk, for the heck of it. It felt exhilarating…and exposing. Music in my ears, air on my face, my eyes taking in the beauty of the night sky…and my thoughts hit me like Braun Stroman at wrestlemania.

My friend Raheem (who took those lovely pictures) is very good at asking questions, and so, I’ve been…reflecting.

He’d asked me what fictional character reminds me the most of myself…and I couldn’t answer because i didn’t know. Celebrity look alike? I could’ve answered that. Easy. Fictional character? I didn’t know. And he answered for me. Superman.

I hate Superman.

Don’t get me wrong, I love DC, but I hate Superman. I asked him why Superman. He said “you like to think you can save everyone, even from themselves. Basically you’re a captain save-a-hoe. Except they aren’t hoes”.

Maybe that’s why I hate Superman. Not because he’s seemingly overpowered, but because he reminds me of myself in a way I’d refused to come to terms with.

I like to love people in ways they haven’t been loved before, so they know that it’s possible for them. Platonically and romantically. But that’s not sustainable, and that’s not healthy for me…or them. I will burnout, because I will have introduced you to an energy I probably can’t maintain in the long run. If you don’t believe you can be loved with the entirety of your being, you’re right. If you do, you’re also right. But I’ll save myself the stress, and I’ll save you the disappointment.

He also asked me what an ideal day for me looked like, and in the process of answering…I realized I hadn’t had one in a while. Years, maybe. But dear reader, you may wonder what an ideal day for me actually looks like. It’s simple. Solitude. An ideal day for me, is solitude. A rainy day, with me in my most comfortable clothes, and a good show while I’m snuggled up in bed, with my phone off. An ideal day for me is me showing up for myself, and the best way for me to do that, is without distractions.

Because really, if I can’t show up for myself in the way I know possible, how then can I show up properly for the people I claim to care about?

So, I’m taking ideal days. Little by little. Thank God we’re in a rainy season.