Daniel’s Diary (036)

Sonder, and everything in between.

Diary entry 036.

Once again, I don’t know how to begin this, so I guess I’m just putting words on paper.

I’m so tired.

Breakups are funny. One minute you’re talking to your partner about something funny. Or maybe even the future. The next you’re wondering whether picking the pieces of your heart will cut your palms. But it’s not like it just happened overnight. There were signs I chose to ignore until I couldn’t ignore them anymore. I don’t know if I ignored these signs because I was trying to prove to her that I cared, or if I ignored these signs because I wanted to prove to her that I was different. What I do know for sure is that I’m never doing it again.

My friends kept asking if I was okay. I kept giving the generic “yeah, I’m okay”, until I couldn’t anymore, because really, who am I kidding? Who am I forming for? I’ve felt a multitude of emotions lately, chief of which is overwhelm.

This whole situation had me thinking, a lot. Love is patient. Yes. Love is kind. Yes. Love is also the absence of common sense. If love is the absence of common sense, it stands to reason that love is akin to foolishness. If said love and foolishness are synonymous in meaning, then the closest thing to love is insanity. 2+2‎ = 4.

And I know my maths isn’t faulty.

At the same time, I currently wonder if we even loved each other. I don’t know yet.

I think one of the more annoying things was that I was on my own. I think that’s why I’m beating myself up so much, because trust me, I’m beating myself up. I was on my own.

“Daniel it’s okay, everyone makes mistakes, you’ll get over it”, yes, I know. I’m very well aware. That doesn’t negate the fact that some mistakes are not meant to be made and some situations are not meant for you to be in.

“You go just dey on your own o, problem will come and find you in your chilling spot”. - Bella Shmurda, 2023.

I know that I’m currently an emotional wreck. My friend, Jade called me out of the blue to tell me to stop hiding myself. I’d be depriving people of me, and myself of people. That I should feel my emotions and express them. She’s not wrong. It’s just difficult. Even more so after putting myself on the line and getting shot in the crossfire with no recourse for said sacrifice. So, I started therapy.

Now, my therapist is amazing. If you recall, I’ve once mentioned having a Superman Syndrome. Basically a saviors complex. Well, she helped me find the source of that complex. She wasn’t wrong. I just didn’t know things ran that deep. So, now, I’m currently reevaluating all my relationships. I wonder how many of them are based off the foundation of me trying to “save them” from themselves, or terrible habits, or a mentality. I wonder why I subconsciously put myself in such a position. I wonder if the relationships would survive if I stopped trying to be a hero, because honestly, being normal is fine. But don’t get me wrong, I know that sometimes wanting to help people can come from a good place, but it can also make you take on things that aren’t yours to carry. My friend Lulu gave me this perspective. I like this perspective.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I still believe in love. I do. But the thing now is, a part of me is afraid of what will happen when I eventually meet someone it’d work out with…I’m afraid that I’d mess it up. I’m also afraid I’d exhibit some of her (my ex’s) traits. I don’t believe humans were meant to have many experiences with love that failed. I do think we ought to put ourselves out there. However, I also think it should be sparingly, with a large amount of discernment.

Before I chose to give myself to her, it was a “what if this doesn’t work out” thought process. Now, it’s a “I should’ve just walked in the opposite direction”. I wish I did, but I couldn’t have seen the future, and now I can’t change the past.

When I started writing this set of random thoughts a few weeks ago, I hated her, with every fiber of my being. And I hated myself by extension. But now, I’m quite past that. I don’t hate her anymore, but there’s still an element of self-hatred that seems to ooze off me due to this situation. I wish I’d just stayed single.

And I often wonder what would’ve happened if we got married. I know I would have done my best to be the husband God intended for me to be. I wouldn’t have been perfect, but I would’ve been trying. I also know that somewhere along the way, I would’ve lost myself. Losing yourself is inevitable when you’re in the wrong situations. And, if I’m being honest, I doubt that I’d have been alive for very long. I genuinely don’t think I would have made it to 40.

This brings me to the concept of sonder. According to Google, Sonder is the profound realization that every random passerby is living a life as vivid, complex, and central to them as your own is to you. I’ve come to understand that in these intricacies, there’s bound to be misunderstanding when two people from opposite ends of the spectrum of sonder meet. I reckon that was the case. We had so many misunderstandings, too often. That kind of thing weighs on me, being the kind of person I am. I realize, you can try to understand someone, but if they have a point to prove as opposed to solving the problem, all understanding is thrown out the window. I have more to say on this, but this isn’t the article for it.

You’re probably wondering why there’s still an element of self-hate. It’s simple. I don’t trust my judgment. I’m usually the friend people meet for advice on their relationships because of logical and rational thinking. Apparently that logic and rationale doesn’t apply to myself. And I think that is ridiculous. I don’t trust myself because when I look back on how I tried to make this woman happy, I wonder if I indeed hated myself. If indeed, I’m picky and selective, and this was what I settled for, for myself, then my being picky is baseless.

Anyway, it’s easier now. A good portion of this was written after we’d properly gone no-contact. When I started writing this, I’d done it in the journal my friend Priscilla gave me for my birthday, and I’d felt so much anger and rage. Now, it’s more so overwhelming sadness. This relationship hurt a number of my friendships and I’m actively trying to fix them. I know I let people down…but more importantly I’m sad because I let myself down.

I’m extremely content with not being a part of her life and even more content with her not being a part of mine. Not even out of hate or spite…I’m just…done.

So, if you’ve been wondering where I’ve been, or what I’ve been up to, or why I haven’t been responding to your texts (I’m sorry, IJ, and by extension everyone here who’s texted and gotten no response), I’ve been deconstructing. A lot. And I don’t know where this is going to lead to.

I’ve been on go because sadness can’t touch a moving target. Gym. Football. Therapy. Volunteer work. But honestly? Even the fastest man needs to slow down sometimes.